Rare form

When someone wants their steak well done, they say, "Well done, please." Then they inevitably bitch and moan because the chef refuses to ruin the meat and instead serves them a medium.

When someone – such as yours truly – desires a medium steak, they specify, "Medium, please." And that's what they receive. End of story.

But when someone wants a rare steak, they say all kinds of funny things to emphasise how little they wish the meat to be cooked. For whatever reason, these expressions tend to lodge in my mind...

"Bloody as hell!"

"Gimme a steak that was running around the paddock five minutes ago."

"It should moo when I stick a fork into it."

"Blue, thanks." (Technically, "bleu".)

"Just lead the cow through a warm room."

And my personal favourite –

"Rip off its horns, wipe its bum and slap it on a plate!"