Journal of the thrills

"The Empire Strips Back" @ The Vanguard with CM and AM

It's not often you see a spunky blonde dancer strip from snow gear to an ice-white bra and panties, slice open a tauntaun, pull out its guts (dildos), then proceed to rub herself on its furry carcass like it was a fireside rug in the Playboy Mansion. But the saucily specific pursuit of "Star Wars" burlesque has a logic all its own. A logic that makes perfect sense when the lights are low, you're partaking of refreshments and the male MC is a camp, tubby Luke Skywalker with glittering shoes. So then C-3PO climbed out of a pile of mechanical junk to execute a fetching droid dance. A trio of Wookiee-hunting babes (just go with it) pranced about in martial fashion. A Twi'lek displayed a sultriness that Oola lacked. Han Solo was disappointingly male, but he played it for laughs, with his Millennium Falcon guitar. An Emperor's royal guard showed what lies under those famous red robes, viz. armour. But hey, it's sexy armour. Slave girl Leia used her chain to swing from the ceiling. Boba Fett did Boba Fett mannerisms in and around the Slave-I cockpit. There was a break, and the compere sung a twisted version of Radiohead's "Creep" about his incestuous desires, for a second there sounding like Placebo's Brian Molko. An anonymous Jedi (let's call her Mara Jade) performed a captivating lightsaber-assisted routine. A Tusken Raider bathed in sand like Dita Von Teese bathes in Champagne. Three Stormtroopers moving in formation were amusing but also hawt. Finally, Darth Vader, 'saber-twirling and Force-choking, reminded us that this man's world "would be nothing, nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl, ooh".