That was Ben, this is now

In his 1993 live show (which I have on audiotape), comedian Ben Elton's theme was "the cover-up". His topics were:

The British PM (John Major), a Rover car ad, garnishing food for the sake of it, doing a big poo, experimenting with drugs, experimenting with lager, KFC Popcorn Chicken, video trailers, that voiceover guy, the lure of a mute TV, the British government ('Tory), The Ministry Of Crap Design, teapots, condom varieties, family planning, teapots (again), wet spots, wet bits, useless dispenser napkins, shiny toilet paper, sexual sensitivity and a possible aid, cosmetic surgery, tall models with short rock stars, the fashion industry, "Baywatch", bikini waxes, penis extensions, cheating on "Cosmopolitan" surveys, Sod's Law, pissing on the floor at 3am, sleeping naked, Findus frozen foods, accidentally spitting on people, the joy of receiving a parcel, biodiversity, Antarctic right whales, is God a man?, pap smear tests, menstruation, tampon adverts, tampon packaging, if men had periods, pregnancy, post-baby bodies, Rectinol, if God was a woman, the female attitude to hot chips, talking in toilets, homophobia, nerves, Antarctic right whales (again) and their lovemaking.

In his current live show (which I saw at the Theatre Royal on Thursday night), BE's theme was "get a grip". His topics were:

The size of a Mars bar, hold messages, options menus and what they should offer, creationism, intelligent design vs menstruation, is God a man?, birth, builder time and dog time, East London library becomes "idea store", multitasking, astrology, the star sign of the dickhead, conspiracy theories/nuts, was Lady Di murdered?, the fake moon landing, Area 51, aliens abducting arseholes, George W. Bush's response to 11/9, Tony Blair's, John Howard's, Howard's glee at being involved in US affairs, air marshals, declaring war on a concept, making space on London trains, democracy, the Royal Family, people who want to lead vs people who have no choice, Bob Geldof's Irish accent, BG with a Dorset accent, Bono's Irish accent, B with a Leeds accent, The Edge's school days, 24-hour drinking in England, European cafe-style drinking, the standard drink and binges, why old people swear and make strange noises, unwanted hair, involuntary farts, gym-goers with too many muscles, fat Batman, unrealistic heroines, Buffy The Lezo Vampire Bouncer, Lara Croft's breasts, reality TV shows in reverse, getting a medical, what doctors really think, an unexpected prostate exam, Ben Elton's career as a series of pube gags, cosmetic surgery, Sharon Osbourne, Jordan, growing boobs, silicon lips, unblocking a toilet with Melanie Griffith, bikini waxing, lower-back tattoos, spam e-mail vs snail mail, penis enlargement, giant penis tangles, cute girls in British army propaganda, old rockers becoming dads, getting children off to school/bed, parents desperate to relax, shopping, Tupperware containers, "I love you, Dadda", why toilet rolls are safe for kids, McDonald's is not a deli, big junk food, big TVs, big 4WDs and their adverts, the size of a Mars bar (again), Newton's Third Law Of Motion.

Yes, he covers some old ground and is still preoccupied with our bodies. However, with both monologues clocking in at around 2.5 hours, it should be clear the latest contains many more ideas. I won't attempt to repeat specific jokes as they wouldn't work without Elton's vocal gymnastics (no-one talks about how good his accents and impressions are). However, I will repeat a beaut heckle of sorts...

The scene: It's 10 minutes into the show and there are five seats in the middle of the front row still empty. Four people are ushered through a side door, make their way to the spot and sit down. Elton begins filling them in on what they've missed, then suddenly points to the one unoccupied seat.
Ben Elton: Is this bastard coming?
One of the four: No.
BE: That's fine. [Acting hurt and turning away] There are a lot of people who couldn't get tickets, that's all I'm fucking saying...

It tickled my perverse funnybone. Two hours and 20 minutes later, I felt pleasantly tickled all over.