So I'm interested in solipsism...

(Or, less absurdly, "A bunch of fives")

FIVE FAUS PAX INVOLVING THE FAIRER SEX
1. In an intimate situation with a Brazilian babe, killing the mood and revealing a gap in my knowledge (I've since attained omniscience) by asking her to speak to me in Spanish. [Face palm!] The official language of Brazil is, of course, Portuguese.
2. When a female acquaintance requested I describe my ideal woman, enthusiastically painting a picture that was - I realised too late - her opposite in so many ways it must have sounded like tacit criticism. She should've scorned such tactlessness.
3. Wondering why the attractive lass across the aisle was waving at me...and waving...and waving. Feeling flattered (I wasn't even wearing Impulse), smiling and returning the gesture, then hearing a deep voice behind me say, "Oh, hi! How are you?" [Gulp]
4. Seeing a girl crying on another girl's shoulder in a club and deciding to play the paladin. Me, sauntering past: "Whoever he is, he's an idiot." Girl #1: [Keeps crying] Girl #2, with disdain: "It wasn't a break-up." Maybe her goldfish died.
5. Given a stare and the "Do you live around here?" line by a chick I'd just met (that won't happen again), I opted to take the enquiry at face value, point to a mate who was nearby and answer, "Yes, but he's staying with me at the moment." Thereby giving her the impression I was uninterested and possibly gay.
*** Hope those embarrassments gave you a laugh. They aren't the half of it. No surprises why I relate to "Beauty And The Geek" and "The Big Bang Theory". ***

THE FIVE REMAINING ZINES I GOT AT THE N/Y/W/F
1. "Book Lung": Scientists estimate 96.4% of poetry is word-vomit, devoid of insights into the mundane or the divine. Fortunately, this belongs to the magical 3.6%.
2. "Kenneth": I knew a Kenneth in junior high. His breakdancing name was Sphinx. That bears no relevance to this heartbreakingly candid account of beating anorexia.
3. "Nano Works": Struggled to pay attention to this (maybe it was the sepia tone) but did enjoy the outsider's view of the effect of the BHP's closure on Newcastle.
4. "Waku Waku:": Slickly presented western POV on ESL teaching and other gigs in Japan, with an emphasis on shopping, kawaii culture and onomatopoeic doubling.
5. "Can't Even Tell": Digital portraits, rough sketches and "Penny Arcade"-esque strips starring glammas, luchadores, robots, monsters, a professor, Michael Bay, etc.

MY FIVE TOP "2000AD" STRIPS FROM BACK IN THE DAY
1. "Slaine"
2. "The Ballad Of Halo Jones"
3. "Judge Anderson, Psi Division"
4. "Zenith"
5. "Button Man"
*** "Bix Barton" and "Journal Of Luke Kirby" narrowly miss the cut. I concluded that including "Tharg's Future Shocks" would be cheating. No Dredd - heresy? ***


D: Guinness 250th Anniversary Stout.

L: Complimentary "D/W/M" download "Doctor Who - The Mists Of Time" (Jo Grant to the fore), "Black Holes And Revelations" (2006) by Muse.

P: Recent PSP releases "Gran Turismo" and "MotorStorm - Arctic Edge" (ta, SC), as well as trying to conquer 2006 title "Marvel Ultimate Alliance" (ta, VK). Geez, that Nick Fury's an annoying prig. If I was a super mutie, I'd go renegade rather than take his orders. I bet I'd make less faux pas with women, too :-)

R: Re-enactment romp "I Believe In Yesterday - My Adventures In Living History" (2008) by Tim Moore, "Jack Of Fables #6 - The Big Book Of War" (2009) by Willingham/Sturges/Akins/Marzan Jr et al. I've also skim-read a stack of "Casino", "Poker News", "Opus" (my old uni rag is unrecognisable) and "New Scientist" mags (ta, EM).

W: Saint Stephen Of Fry's "Qi", the biting commentary and genuine hilarity of "Charlie Brooker's Gameswipe" (ta, PG), "21 Up America", "John Safran's Race Relations" (predictably outrageous), "WCG Ultimate Gamer", "The Sphinx Unmasked" (not about Kenneth from junior high), outstanding Beeb dramatisation of the Sinclair-Acorn computer war "Micro Men" (ta, PG), "The 39 Steps" (spiffing 2008 reworking that's also very silly), UFC #104.

This rat stops racing for a fortnight

Translation: I'm on vacation :-)


D: Ichnusa (imported from Sardinia), Bluetongue Premium Light (imported from, er, Gosford) and Bernard Dark Lager (at Bazaar Beer Cafe, St Leonards).

E: Those four wacky Smith's Chips flavours, which I'd rank (from best to worst) - Caesar Salad, Buttered Popcorn, Late-Night Kebab and Coat Of Arms BBQ.

R: "Red Princess - A Revolutionary Life" (2007) by Sofka Zinovieff, utterly riveting autobiography "For Richer, For Poorer - A Love Affair With Poker" (2009) by Victoria Coren, my first subscription copy of "Retro Gamer" (#69), DL's freshly baked wrestling fanzine "15,000 People Go Silent", the gem of a novella "A War Of Gifts - An Ender Story" (2007) by Orson Scott Card, and the GN "Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Predators And Prey" (Season eight, volume five) by assorted peeps...who aren't Joss Whedon :-(

W: "New Zealand's Next Top Model", "Major League Eating St Patrick's Day Chowdown" (three rounds - corned beef and cabbage, donuts, jalapenos), "The Poker Star" and the 15th Deadlys.

The sssentence isss...

I will now pass arrogant judgement on six of the aforementioned amateur manuscripts.

"House": The premise – one woman's recollections of her childhood homes – didn't prepare me for tales of the brutal discipline imposed on her and her mum by traditionalist grandparents. There are instances of wonder and happiness, though.

"What's For Suppa!?": Mono sketches and random doodles like you'd do in a boring lecture or shareholders' meeting. But redeemed by a strip questioning the longevity of gratis electronic journals and, on that basis, defending tree-based media.

"A Zine About Canberra": Soldier through the virtual sociology essay on the Canberran identity and you'll be treated to amusing pars of local knowledge on cool/infamous spots around the nation's capital. Even the poetry stuff at the end doesn't suck.

"Folk Marketing #3": Snaps of garage sale signs. When you look at a bunch in a row, you really notice the idiosyncrasies. The cover pic - four rival signs competing for space on a telegraph pole - is priceless. But who holds a sale from 7am-3pm?!

"Mixtape #10": Cooking, sewing, handicrafts, etc. Not my bag, although I did groove on the article about squatting and "dropping out", and reviews of old paperbacks about same. Top-notch production, fittingly. Proved a big hit with my siblings.

"Westside Angst #15": A chap without a functioning television analyses, in gonzo fashion, the memoirs and fiction that got him through winter. Except for the odd clanger (eg. "for all extensive purposes"), the writing is literate and engaging.


L: Radio sampler of the "North, South, East, West" anthology* (2009) by Tim Finn, "Absolution" (2003) by Muse.

P: "Broken Destiny" again, but with a character I created - Santa Claw, a blue goblin in a red'n'white suit who wields Death's scythe.

W: "Inside The Vatican", a slices-o'-life two-parter (Easter and Christmas); "Crossing The Line", about Joe Dresnok and other US military defectors to North Korea. Have all three eps of "Yellowstone" recorded and waiting to go. Must get to them soon.


*"A journey through the years of Split Enz, Crowded House, The Finn Brothers and solo."

Ready, steady, microwave

An integral part of the annual Young Writers' Festival, the Newcastle Zine Fair, supposedly the biggest convocation of its type in Australia, was held this year on adjoining (vacated) levels of the council car park in King St. While initially seeming like a strange selection of venue, it wasn't as cramped or stifling as the Honeysuckle building used in '08, while still providing shelter from the rain, if not the ocean breeze. As you'd expect, the "action" centred on writers, artists and distributors manning tables from which they sold/swapped DIY fanzines and comics of various bents that mixed prose, poetry, 'toons, photos, whatever. Frustratingly, there was no rhyme or reason to their pricing – if a full-colour, bound publication is $1-2, how can a sheaf of unstapled, poorly cut pages cost a fiver? Is it the difference in print runs? The amount of subsidisation by the individuals responsible? [Shrug] Also available for purchase were novels, anthologies, theses, posters, sloganed shirts and hoodies, handmade hats and jewellery (dominoes were a recurring theme), fridge magnets, stuffed toys (the replica sewing machine plushie was cute), recycled and repurposed stationery, indecipherable punk(?) CDs, stickers and badges ranging from witty to shitty, organic coffee (or was it fair trade?), and other oddments and gewgaws, such as fortune-telling teacups constructed from paper. I was there for the opening hour and a half and during that time the entertainment consisted of an (ironic?) aerobics class, followed by a petite, vintage-fashionable female singer/guitarist battling feedback. (The spectators lounging up close in armchairs reminded me of that scene from "Anvil!".) Patrons included bedraggled, bleary-eyed teenagers/20somethings in desperate need of a shower or deodorant (the no-Lynx effect - blech!), exclusively medium-sized dogs walking their owners on leashes, hippies sharing a vegetarian takeaway while their hippie rugrats splashed in a puddle, curious hipsters, mothers chaperoning bookish adolescent daughters, people painted to resemble zombies, veteran market-fossickers who'd have smelt the stalls a mile away, friendly environmental activists, non-practising anarchists, bohemians on BMX bikes, and clinging-to-their-youth dudes like yours subjectively. I bought or was given copies of "A Zine About Canberra", "Book Lung", "Can't Even Tell", "Folk Marketing #3", "House", "Kenneth", "Mixtape #10" (for my sisters, you understand), "Nano Works", "Waku Waku", "Westside Angst #15" and "What's For Suppa!?". Appraisals later - I'm done describing.


D: Loose Head Lager.

L: "Origin Of Symmetry" (2001) by Muse.

R: "On The Edge – My Story" (2007) by Richard Hammond with Mindy Hammond.

W: "The Poker Ashes". High-concept, but also, alas, high on waffle. Jeff Thomson is a madman - he plays hands Gus Hansen wouldn't touch.

Webjoyment: www.nerfjihad.net and the glorious rebirth of Dog Judo.