Have I told these'uns before?

Over a bad cold but with my voice still gone, I was at a uni philosophy tutorial. It just so happened that no-one else wanted to speak that day, either. They likely hadn't done the set readings. While far from a perfect student, on this occasion I had. So, anyway, after repeated unsuccessful attempts to inspire debate, the lecturer frustratedly called a halt to the tute. As my classmates filed out, I went up to him, gave an apologetic look and gestured to my throat. I may've even rasped a little. He quickly twigged to the sitch. "You wanted to contribute but you've lost your voice?" I nodded. "That's OK. Thanks for telling me." In hindsight, I like to think I turned his exasperating experience into a mildly amusing one.

For some reason, the above story reminds me of when I was at a local MMA event with MR. It was an arvo show, with several families present. Which is why we were surprised when every fighter seemed to be walking out to gangster-rap tracks full of swearing. Finally, a dude made his way to the cage to some more kid-friendly music. No sooner had we noted that fact amongst ourselves when the announcer informed the crowd the fighter in question was deaf. The only combatant with a socially acceptable theme song wasn't able to hear it (and perhaps hadn't chosen it). He deserved to win. I don't remember if he did. MMA is EXTRA-hard when your cornermen can't yell important instructions to ya during the bout.

Manners, innit?

I say "Pardon me" when I burp and "Excuse me" when I cough/sneeze. That's the way Mum raised me.

A schoolmate would call people out when they DIDN'T do so, reproaching, "Excuse pigs!" His manners weren't exactly textbook, though. If he didn't hear something or wanted it repeated, he'd go, "Because?"

A close chum who shall remain nameless would attempt to turn politeness into rudeness by saying stuff like "Pardon my arse" or "Excuse the f**k out of me". Of course I laughed - wouldn't you?

I'd also chuckle when a poker buddy would respond to someone else's long beer belch with, "Coming, mother!" On a similar note, I recall dear old Dad once acknowledging his own loud fart with, "Well, that appears to be working."

At karate, we were doing pushups or situps or something - 38, 39, 40, 41, 42 - when a fellow student ripped off a beauty. Without missing a beat, the instructor said, "I'll count, thank you."

What do you say to excuse yourself after an audible bodily expulsion? Do you just blame the dog?