Octagon-side at UFC 127 in seven words

Deafening, cramped, stuffy, police state, UNBELIEVABLY GOOD!

Asterism

The most surprising thing about Armageddon Expo 2011 wasn't what they charged for ice tea - a Dick Turpin-esque $5 per bottle - it was which special guests generated the longest queues. Forget the umpteen telly and fillum actors in attendance; there seemed to be a constant line to meet the folks from Rooster Teeth (they of the "Halo"-derived machinima "Red Vs Blue"). I dunno, those videos were funny in the beginning...

After plugging it for weeks, Stvdio has announced when the David Tennant production of "Hamlet" will screen: March 29 at midnight, 8am and 8pm. It also stareth Patrick Stewart, Mariah Gale, Penny Downie and Other People.

I have discovered the delights of CD Japan. First purchase: the "Summer Wars" soundtrack. Love, love, love that outro song. http://bit.ly/gacQBX

Phyrexian stand-off

You knew that sooner or later I'd have the "M:TG - Mirrodin Besieged" pre-cons slug it out like a pair of rum-fuelled drunks in a pub carpark at closing. In keeping with the adversarial theme of the expansion, there are two decks representing the Mirran faction (the R/W "Battle Cries" and the U/R "Mirromancy") and two flying the flag for the Phyrexian invaders (the B/U "Doom Inevitable" and the G/W "Path Of Blight"). For this reason, I only played "enemy" decks against each other; the four combinations in best-of-five matches. R/W blitzed B/U 4-1, with its blend of weenies, burn and the new Battle Cry mechanic proving way too speedy. Then G/W narrowly edged U/R 3-2; Mighty Leap a surprise MVP for the Phyrexian side in its bid to sneak through for 10 poison. The tables were rotated 180^ when G/W met R/W and lost 2-3, as Viridian Claw and Whispersilk Silk cloak starred. Finally, B/U crushed U/R 4-1, pumping out -1/-1 counters and utilising its Living Weapons. Tally those results and you'll find the matches and games are dead even. As a tie-breaker, I cherry-picked the allied decks, plus the cards from the booster packs included with them, to build super-decks (R/W for Mirran, B/G for the Phyrexians). There's a ton of card advantage in "Besieged" and in a more constructed format like this, Infect is so solid. While the decider ended B/G 3 - R/W 2, it could easily have been 5-0 were it not for God Of Gamblers-quality hands and clutch draws on the Mirran side. Still, the stand-off was over. Consider Mirrodin envenomed :-)

Power of the Picts

When I'm hung-over or genuinely ill, my favourite remedy is to lie Hutt-like on the lounge and watch The History Channel. Among the amazing factoids I learnt today - besides the revelations that the "peaceful" Minoans secretly practised human sacrifice and the Mayans worshipped "time gods" (there's a "Who" yarn there, surely) - is that the Picts, a people who occupied the north of Scotland from the 1st Century AD to the 10th, left behind no record of their language other than place names and a series of recurring symbols (carved into cave walls, etc.) that have so far defied deciphering. Centuries of mystery! Mind = blown.


Plug city:
* CM's ukulele magazine can now be PayPal purchased online - www.kamuke.com
* For an offbeat perspective on the Sydney area - www.sydneyoutsider.com.au

Cutural aikido

Have you read Hilary Mantel's "Wolf Hall"?
No, have you read Grant Morrison's "Batman #676-681"?

Have you heard the new Interpol album?
No, have you heard the old Interpol album?

Have you been to the Tutankhamen exhibition?
No, have you been to the King's Way Chinese restaurant?
(Note: This question is a potential trap as KW closed yonks ago.)

Have you seen "Black Swan"?
No, have you seen "Black Rain"?

Have you tried a Lava Lamp Martini?
No, have you tried standing on your head?

Have you got a preference for Newtown or Glebe?
Have you got a preference for how I answer?

And so on.

Worthless Wertham

"There was point in the story of 'Tomb Of Dracula'...that Dracula took over a deconsecrated church and there was a painting of Christ on the wall. And virtually every line of dialogue I wrote where Dracula is actually saying he's powerless against Christ, the Comics Code would object to. And I'm Jewish, first of all, and the head of the Comics Code was Jewish. So there were these two Jewish guys arguing about whether it would be offensive to Christians to say that Christ was more powerful than a vampire" – Marv Wolfman on "Ink: Alter Ego Exposed"

Fallen crest

As TV that costs money goes, Strikeforce: Fedor Vs Silva was short: five bouts, four of them opening-round muggings, padded out with hype to two hours (effectively half the length of a UFC PPV). Then again, it was the start of the promotion's World Grand Prix Heavyweight Tournament, so it's understandable that they only wanted to showcase the big boys. And the one fight that wasn't done in the first was almost worth the $29.95 unlock fee on its own. That would be Fedor "The Last Emperor" Emelianenko versus Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva.

Emelianenko, an inscrutable Russian who had terrorised the division for a decade – and been widely considered the deadliest unarmed human not carrying the ebola virus – until his shock submission loss to Fabricio Werdum in June, 2010. A man who wears a wooden cross, travels with a "confessor" and listens to Orthodox Christian music backstage because he doesn’t like pop or rock.

Silva, by contrast, less media-shy and more openly emotional, yet equally humble. Where Fedor has often been outweighed by his opponents, Antonio is a literal giant, suffering from the growth syndrome acromegaly (hence the nickname). Despite sporting an imposing record and fists Hellboy would envy, he was a five-to-one underdog with bookies coming into the contest.

If that sounds like a match-up straight from the greatest martial-arts movie Van Damme never made, it was. Larger-than-life characters, holding up their trousers with the equivalent of five different black belts, meeting in a New Jersey colosseum.

Round 1 saw Silva jabbing and leg-kicking and Emelianenko throwing trademark overhand rights, any of which might have resulted in an unscheduled nap had they landed flush. The two exchanged punches and knees as they grappled against the cage and, briefly, on the canvas. The judges could have scored it either way, though Antonio's accurate counter strikes had Fedor's nose leaking claret. Moreover, the challenger had demonstrated that he could use his 20kg weight advantage to take the former PRIDE FC champion to the ground.

In Round 2, The Emperor swung, but Bigfoot ducked and successfully shot for a takedown. From this point, Silva was in a dominant mount position, bruising and bloodying Emelianenko's face and head with a Neil Peart drum solo of blows. When Fedor turned away, Antonio would flatten him out and commence sinking in a rear naked choke, forcing him to roll back over into harm's way. Silva attempted to finish with an arm triangle...no dice...and then a kneebar. Rather than try to escape the latter hold, Emelianenko had the presence of mind to go for a foot lock. The Brazilian just waggled a finger as if to say, "That won't work on my size 16." Time was called.

The battle didn't reach Round 3. Antonio's colossal fists had battered Fedor's right eye so badly it was swollen shut. The cageside doctor refused to allow the half-blinded fighter to continue. There was momentary confusion, with even Antonio unable to accept he'd won. Emelianenko's people crowded around him, the cut man running an enswell across his ghastly eye. Silva bowed before his victim, embraced him, showered him with praise – as if he was a saint stepped from off a religious icon and not merely a fellow warrior bested.

It seems likely that the third stanza would've been a repeat of the second, but we'll never know (Fedor worshippers will always maintain he'd have produced a victory somehow). In the subsequent interview, the Russian gave what amounted to a farewell speech, thanking fans for their support and stating that it may be time for him to retire, if it's "God’s will". It was barely believable to see a bona fide legend who'd gone 33 bouts without a legitimate loss, who'd appeared tougher than a T-90 tank driven by Mr T, and whose defeat by Werdum could until 15 minutes earlier still be dismissed as an aberration, now broken in body and fighting spirit.

Indiscreet mathematics

"If someone reads books, they can't be all bad" - author Sue Townsend sums up her most famous creation, Adrian Mole. I hope she's right.

Dedicated to mischief

Have decided that whenever I donate books to charity, I'm gonna put fake dedications in the front of 'em. Craftily, I'll be varying the writing style and type of pen I use, plus the positioning, to keep it real(ish). Here are the first three:

* Charlie, Happy birthday! Hope you enjoy this cheap imitation of a Dan Brown thriller. Uncle Waldo

* Dear Kevin, Good luck at university. Love, Mum and Dad. PS. A few less of these fantasy novels and you might have been studying medicine as we'd always dreamed.

* Mr Martin, Thanks for being a great science teacher. The best part was burning the magnesium. Mikey R.

Teardrops to make you weep

The heatwave continues unabated, as merciless as Ming, causing the inhabitants of this 'burb to behave oddly. Latterly, I have witnessed... The same flustered woman being rude to then apologising to staff at the post office and the supermarket. A guy tinkling the ivories of an old upright piano on the footpath (presumably, it was there for collection). And a second dude, realising it wasn't getting any less stinking hot, cutting his lawn in a rush at about 8pm. If he'd waited until it was properly dark and worn a miner's helmet with lamp, this posting would've been 7000% more interesting.

Rabbit-fur coat

I've mentioned my World Vision sponsorship before and do so again here not 'cos I want a bloody medal (or a chest to pin it on), but because WV China had their kid write in a card that they sent me for the Year Of The Rabbit, which begins today. Unfortunately, the message was in Chinese. Fortunately, a translation had been provided. I want to quote youse the part describing how New Year's is celebrated in the People's Republic: "We prepare lots of delicious foods such as pork and chicken. We light firecrackers, wear new clothes our parents buy for us. These may seem very simple but give us great happiness!" There's something about that last line that fills my materialistic heart with shame. It's the slight defensiveness that no child should have to feel about their way of life - let alone in relation to a joyous occasion. Nevertheless, I remain a compulsive smart-arse, which is why I've opted for a flippant title rather than, say, "Reality check".

Cool air

The Architects Of Air are a group of UK-based artists who hand-make inflatable plastic sculptures large enough to house tens of viewers at a time. These creations delight the eye with both their geometric oddity and the way natural light plays on and through their variously coloured panels. One such sculpture, Mirazozo (which sounds like it should be hanging out with Azazel and Pazuzu), was recently parked on the cobbles in the forecourt of the Sydney Opera House. CM, AM and I took advantage of the midweek Australia Day holiday to investigate it, and saved ourselves a 45-minute swelter in the queue by pre-booking. To protect the floor layer, we had to stow our shoes in pigeonholes at the entrance/exit (which also served to track how many were in the belly of the beast). We were then given 20 minutes to wander the chambers, take photos, recline in the alcoves or lie beneath the domed ceilings and dream kaleidoscopic daydreams. While I couldn’t resist identifying where air hoses weren't working or little tears were forming in the material, these minor imperfections detracted not a jot from the overall aesthetic experience. It was like...well, whatever you thought it was like – alien spaceship, womb, octopus's garden, living artwork, Wonka factory, LSD trip, beautiful balloon, comedy dinosaur stomach, vision of the afterlife or just a mighty fine tourist attraction.