It's for you…

What's that you say? Phone pranks are clever and funny. I agree! So you might wanna leave your schedule open next Thursday at 10pm for "Fonejacker" on Foxtel's Channel V. Some calls are depicted in a way that's been compared to Terry Gilliam's "Monty Python" work – ie. static heads with animated mouths. Images tangentially relating to keywords flash on screen during the conversation. At other times, the Fonejacker – a Persian Brit named Kayvan Novak – is shown pranking his targets in public, eg. ringing a cafe from the phone box across the road. Then there are the calls with fictional footage, such as the CCTV view of a bank heist in progress. It's interspersed with mug shots of a polite robber urgently requesting a people carrier from a minicab company operator. There are similarities to "Crank Yankers", but where that puppet-powered show is straightforward, this one's surreal. I haven't heard such inventive pranking since the Touch Tone Terrorists. Who else would pose as a Zimbabwean telephone fraud prevention officer, Detective Horace Von Khute, warning people not to be fooled by bogus calls from Detective Horace Von Khute?

Family fight night

Had a very pleasant evening at AK, VK and CK's house, loading up on sensational home-made fried rice and chicken'n'cashew stir-fry, guzzling as much Corona as I wanted (four bottles, apparently) and seeing Anthony "The Man" Mundine unanimously outpoint Nader "The Lionheart" Hamdan to retain his WBA Super Middleweight belt.


Sci-fi lullaby: "Doctor Who: The Last" (2004) by Gary Hopkins. Doc Eight, Charley and C'rizz feature in Big Finish audioplay #62.

Hand signals

Thumbs up: Genuinely exciting, crafted-with-care, juvenile fantasy romp "The Spiderwick Chronicles" (thanks a bunch, Paramount!).

Thumbs down: The chicken katsu set at Asagao in Pitt St. Should have been fresher, hotter, less greasy and more plentiful!

Middle fingers up: My rat-cunning real estate agency for raising the rent $30/week now they realise how comfortable I am here.


DVD du jour: "Crazy Legs Conti: Zen And The Art Of Competitive Eating" (2004). Man, this took ages to arrive from Amazon US.

Untitled

It's not often you can eat Maggi noodles and drink Milo in a restaurant. At Malaysian joint Mamak in Goulburn St I managed the unlikely quinella, in the form of Maggi goreng (a saucier modified nasi goreng) and Milo ais (standard iced Milo). Just thought I'd share that with youse.

After work, CM and I attended a Warner Bros preview screening of "10,000 BC" in the new GMAX 1 cinema at George St Hoyts. History and geography weren't allowed to get in the way of a lame story about a mammoth hunter's rescue mission. The only consolation was eleventy CGI effects per minute, the best involving - superficial spoilers - marauding beasts and an evil, technologically advanced empire.


Appreciated literature: "How Not To Draw Manga" (2006) by Chris Reid and John Kantz, "Fables: Homelands" (2005) by Bill Willingham and his illustrious illustrators.

Can celebrate

The gourmet gluttony continued at the new Bavarian Beer Cafe in the Entertainment Quarter. Marinated baby octopus with Greek salad, mixed char-grilled sausages with mashed potato and sauerkraut, pear and raisin pancakes with rum ice-cream, and three glasses of Franziskaner Lemon Weissbeer - all served by a chatty Derbyshire lass - filled me up a treat.

Then CM, AM, PB2 and I took our seats at the Sydney Football Stadium for the Hyundai A-League grand final. The Central Coast Mariners had been well-deserved minor premiers, but my Newcastle United Jets can beat anyone on their day - and did!!!!!!! When the ultimate whistle blew it was us 1, them 0. I was standing, applauding, holding back the tears.


Weekend media: "Robot Chicken", "Sabra" (March 2008) cover disc, "Consolevania Retro", "Pirates Of The Caribbean" constructible strategy game, "Dungeon Crawl Classics #31: The Transmuter's Last Touch" (2006) by Jeff LaSala and "jstyle #06" (Autumn 08).

Can't complain

The landlord and real estate agent were an hour late for the inspection, then spent two minutes establishing that the flat was fine, apologised profusely and left.

In the arvo, I played poker at CM's splendid abode in Glebe with him, AM, PB, DL, SC, DW and B?. There were three tournaments and my results were 7th, 7th and 2nd (= $30 deficit).

PB and I stayed on to watch the rugger. A close loss for the Waratahs and an even narrower win for the Brumbies. Mrs M. kindly prepared us snacks, then dinner.

Work choices

My editor's quitting and his replacement's been announced. It's not me. The publisher has chosen to "parachute" in an outsider.

Am I upset? No. A little offended perhaps - I wouldn't have minded putting my stamp on the magazine. But I know from being caretaker ed (when the boss went on hols) that the necessary financial aspects of the job bore me stupid.

I'm happy to stick with wrangling words. If I can't exist peacefully under the new regime, I'll look for writing/subbing elsewhere.

Wrong number

If you ask a Sydney chick for her digits and she tells you 0419 317 446, save yourself the cost of the call. It's an automated rejection line! Then again, the spiel is amusing, so you might wanna ring it for curiousity's sake. Disgruntled Romeos are supposed to be able to leave a message (or picture!?), but the mailbox is currently full. PS. I swear I read about this on an Internet forum and wasn't hoodwinked by a hotty :-)

Makes a change from Subway

A branch of Japanese fast-food chain Ajisen Ramen – operating "since 1968" and boasting "over 400 restaurants" worldwide – has sprung up in Hay St, Haymarket. CM and I gave it a go. He plumped for the teriyaki beef set, while I had the tonkatsu variation. The contents were a tad different to what's in lunchboxes at other local nosheries such as Musashi and Sakae. One compartment contained gyoza – they were so tasty I ordered an extra plateful! Decent grub. Pretty waitresses and blaring J-pop added to the experience.

Daniel Kitson @ The Factory Theatre, Enmore

"The Impotent Fury Of The Privileged" is a pretentious title for a comedy routine. Lucky then that Daniel Kitson isn't a stand-up comic. He's a hairy, sweary, apologetically subjective, yet undeniably brilliant cultural commentator; a linguistic acrobat whose behemoth brain and impeccable timing negate the odd stutter; and he's the type of fearlessly truthful coward who make the most humane philosophers. Two hours of laughter is good. Two hours of laughter, insight and lasting inspiration is amazing.

Now you're squawkin'!

At the Metro Theatre, my fave arena for appreciating musical stylings, Wollongong three-piece Stone Ox generated a mildly infectious, protracted noise. Sydney three-piece Mandrake offered struttin', shared-vocals pub RAWK eclipsed by the overblown lead guitar. I haven't seen axework that indulgent since the French Revolution (dramatic re-enactment). UK three-piece Budgie mesmerised with their charm-person lyrics and intense virtuosity; each song was like a Saturn V rocket launch that left us wondering at a mighty vapour trail. "Panzer Division Destroyed", "I Turned To Stone", "Parents", "Napoleon Bona Parts 1 & 2"... There were no lowlights. The untouchable trio made us wait, wait, wait for the encore: a hyperspeed, solo-studded, strangeloop rendition of "Breadfan". I whistled it all the way home, accompanied by those cicadas in my eardrums that awaken after concerts.


Non-Budgie band T-shirts worn at the gig: The Clash, Dream Theater, Iron Maiden, KISS, Metallica, Mortal Sin, Motorhead, Pink Floyd, Ramones, Rush (on a gurl!), Trivium, Yes and [indecipherable death metal group]. Talk about yer broad appeal!

Incan treasure

On Sunday, I reacquainted myself with Randwick restaurant La Cocina Peruana, whose menu has expanded like the waist of a passively obese blogger. Knowing their starters can be on the dainty side, I began with a salad. Sizzling prawns, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, avocado and onion were regionalised with white corn, quinoa (a fluffy cereal) and "magic spices". The heavier of my mains was a traditional Peruvian beef, pork, chicken and potato stew with white rice – as nourishing as it sounds. I always have the same sweets at L/C/P: mazamorra morada. It's a purple corn custard with chunks of fruit and a dusting of cinnamon that makes me feel as contented as a tomcat curled up by an open fire.

While I was settling the bill, the chef popped outta the kitchen and advised me to try a particular fish dish on my next visit. I was momentarily chuffed to be addressed like some sort of connoisseur... until he qualified his statement. "It's great for hangovers," he explained. "The chilli and lemon will fix you right up." Honestly, my eyes weren't even bloodshot.


Ingesting:
* "Fables: The Mean Seasons" (2004-05) by Bill Willingham and v/a. The repercussions of the Fabletown election, Snow and Bigby's unusual sprogs, a two-clawed tale from WW2, grandpa comes calling (and he's elementally powerful) and an unseen killer roams. Many painful lessons are learnt in this, the fifth collection.
* Look – Exotic A La Mode chocolate. From the Japanese junk food store in Tech City, near the Capitol Theatre. Think Cadbury Snack, except with better choccy (it's closer to Lindt) and mango, passionfruit, guava and lychee fillings. Deliciousness.

Great Scots

Allow me to direct your attention to www.bbc.co.uk/videogaiden. "videoGaiden" (sic) is an online Scottish videogame news'n'reviews series with a humorous bent. It's hosted by two black-clad lads – Fat Rab and Fat Ryan – who know their 'lectronic entertainment and steadfastly refuse to take it seriously. I found out about the show through PG*, and I must admit it didn’t instantly grab me by the goolies. But after a few eps, I was hooked like seaweed on an excited amateur's fishing line. It's now part of my weekly web woutine.

*Who even more heartily recommends its progenitor, "Consolevania".

Yessssssssss!

Suspect refereeing and rough-housing by the opposition couldn't prevent my Newcastle United Jets from finishing 120+ mad minutes a goal ahead of Queensland Roar (3-2) and advancing to the Hyundai A-League grand final*. I immediately rang CM to double-check he purchased us tix on Friday. He did :-)

*Thereby securing a spot in the AFC Champions League.

At least we won

There won't be a huge highlight reel from the Waratahs' 20-3 victory over the Hurricanes at the Sydney Football Stadium. Fullback Lachlan Turner did well, but as a team we were disorganised, kick-happy and maybe 80% match fit - it just so happened they were worse. Botching two chances at the death of scoring a fourth try and gaining a handy bonus point was annoying. PB and I witnessed it live, perched high above the midpoint, having watched the earlier Super 14 game at a Fox & Lion pub chockers with rugby-ites.


Glued to: The "Great British Menu" marathons on the Lifestyle Food channel. Top Pom chefs vie to create an entree, fish course, main and dessert that will impress a horde of French critics. It's porn for foodies!

Retrogamers

We played "D&D" at SC's swanky apartment. LPO DM-ed the classic "Queen Of Spiders" module using 3.5 rules, a battlemat and miniatures. The party was a dog-riding halfling fighter/ranger named Angus D'Hollow (SC), dwarf monk Stoz (JC), elf rogue/conjurer Bo-sheba (TC) and human cleric Gareth The Grey (me!). A very "united colors of Benetton" group, I know. My character was modelled on Sheperd Book from "Firefly"/"Serenity". It was a blast returning to an adventure I'd first attempted half my life ago.

Home invasion

My real estate agency has notified me of their intention to inspect. This will be only the second such brief intrusion in nine years, no doubt due to my spotless rent record and the owner being a retired gentleman based in Greece. I'm not worried about the state of the place - it's totally tidy'n'clean and, once I take down some stuff thumbtacked to the picture rail, I'm not contravening any rules. (Let's forget about the hole I punched in the spare bedroom door in a senseless rage in '02, which is hidden beneath a poster and will be mended prior to whenever I leave.) I just hope the old bloke isn't contemplating selling...

Ten points

Sushi for one and a nosebleed seat at the basketball. My Kings had too much depth for the plucky New Zealand Breakers. Final score: 103-93.

In the long break, there was a demo of floorball, a frantic hockey variant popular in northern Europe. It'll feature at the Beijing Olympics.

After the game, the Kings held their club awards. The winners were as follows (note: I don't think the import players were elligible):

* Best defensive – Jason Smith
* Most improved – Russell Hinder
* Most inspirational – Cameron Tovey
* Chairman’s award (for commitment) – Luke Kendall
* Coach’s award (best club person, either player or staff) – web writer/broadcaster Matt McQuade
* Fan club MVP – [Too close to call. Will be announced later]
* MVP – Mark Worthington

"Nan's Shed"

This engaging, fresh and fun short film was made by my colleague AH.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7Iqsrmo_TU

I'm sure he'd be grateful for your praise or constructive criticism.

Elongated weekend

Don't trust "Foxtel" magazine! It listed the Pro Bowl - the annual all-star game held in Hawaii post-Super Bowl - as screening on Fox Sports 2 from 10am-2pm. When I flipped on the telly at 9.30, it was already under way on FS2 (8.30-12) and, in an unadvertised "bonus", ESPN (8.30-11.30). Which meant I could only record the condensed replay (Fox Sports 3, 6-8pm) for posterity. I'd be more upset if the NFC hadn't vanquished the AFC, the conference my Colts belong to, by 42-30.

The reason I was home was that I had doctor's appointments before and after lunch. It's OK, I passed muster. Anyway, my boss agreed it wasn't worth coming in to the office for 2-3 hours in the arvo and permitted me to take the day off (time in lieu). Between medical consultations and the uni library, I refuelled at local cafe Bar Coluzzi. The walls are lined with snaps of celebs meeting namesake and employee Luigi Coluzzi Sr, Australian Middleweight Boxing Champion 1956-57.

(L-R) Dave, Adrian, Nicko, Bruce, Steve & Janick

Iron Maiden performed a bunch of their greatest hits at the Acer Arena tonight on their "Somewhere Back In Time" world tour. The stage was decorated to resemble an ancient Egyptian temple (a la the artwork for "Powerslave") - and how I worshipped. It was the culmination of two decades of devotion to the band's power metal that began when I was handed a cassette of "Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son" in 1988. Bruce's vocals and theatrics and banter, the duelling guitars, the drums, the lighting, the changing backdrops to reflect the album from which each song came, the fireworks, the fake sea mist during "The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner", the attack of the giant Ed robot, the audience choruses, the non-ironic lighter waving in "Fear Of The Dark", the headbanging - everything was perfect.

Sweet idea

Novelist Kate Orman offered the first 10 people to donate GBP3.00 to Bees For Development and send her the receipt a 300-word "Doctor Who" story on the topic of their choosing. BFD checked out as a legitimate charity that trains poor farmers to become part-time apiarists so they can earn extra income. I transferred them 10 quid, then e-mailed KO with the proof and my request: a yarn about the Doctor visiting the Library Of Alexandria...

A few months later, you too can reap the literary reward under the heading "Beefix #7" at News From The House Of Sticks (follow the link in "Blogs I read"). It was worth the anxious wait.

Distractions

Reading: "Pretty Maniacs" #1-3 (2004-05) by Shinsuke Kurihashi (inferior, girly sequel to manga series "Maniac Road"); "Fables: March Of The Wooden Soldiers" (2003-04) by Bill Willingham and various artists (war and dirty politics...the fairytale thickens in the fourth collection of this American comic); and "The Riddle Of The Sands" (1903) by Erskine Childers ("The first and best of spy stories," proclaims the cover quote from "The Times" - and that was enough to open my wallet).

Watching: Just got through a DVD of "Howard Stern On Demand" compiled by PB. The shock jock's guests included an uncharacteristically shy Sarah Silverman, Springsteen guitarist/"Sopranos" star Steven Van Zandt and "alien abductee" Riley Martin, whose deluded ramblings are delivered in a voice so dignified you can't help but pay attention.

Listening: "The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack" (2007) by Sixx:A.M. I was never a fan of Motley Crue, but this companion to bassist Nikki Sixx's year-in-the-life tome is excellent in a cheesy rock opera way - narration, memorable rhymes, monster riffs and layers of sound that evoke Christmas, carnivals and more.

Playing: "Puzzle Quest" (2006) on Nintendo DS. Imagine an RPG in which an ultra-addictive gem-matching game is the mechanic by which you kill enemies, forge magic items, lay siege to cities, etc. I made it halfway through last year using a ROM image when the emulator crashed and wiped my save file. Oh well, I thought, a cheap, legal copy will turn up at Electronics Boutique in the future. RS took pity on my plight, posted one over from the US and now I'm overdosing.

Silly snacking

AH alerted me to a shop called Sugar Fix at the rear of the Myer food court (CBD) that sells US candy. So it's his fault my salad sandwich supper was supplemented with Parmesan Goldfish crackers, Almond M&M's and Berries & Cream Dr Pepper. Thumbs up for the fishies as there's nothing harmful in them. Thumbs down for the choc as the pieces of nut are too small. Peanut M&M's are way better. Thumbs not applicable for the soda because, unlike the local incarnation, it contains caffeine. Once I noticed that in the ingredients, I tipped the rest into the sink. Can't be too careful when it comes to diet :-)


Reading: "Educating Peter" (2003) by Tom Cox. The fella responsible for the captivating memoir "Nice Jumper" (about his obsession with golf) hits the highway as he attempts to teach a friend's teenage son about the music industry using contacts - and healthy cynicism - gained as an accidental rock journalist.

On the way to RSA

In Melbourne tonight, the Socceroos trounced Qatar 3-0 at the Telstra Dome. I viewed the telecast at the M. residence, along with PB2, SB and NW. Courtesy of Mrs M.'s culinary expertise, we dined on quail and vegetables, with baked custard and nectarines for dessert ("pudding", if you're English). Argentinean Quilmes beer had been purchased on the strength of the football photos on the packaging and was found to be pleasantly mild. While Australia slacked off in the goalless second 45, the result was a fine start for new coach Pim Verbeek and our campaign to qualify for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Super-duper Bowl

How freakin' exciting was Super Bowl XLII? If it couldn't be Peyton Manning throwing the winning touchdown pass for the Colts, I'm glad it was his younger brother Eli doing it for the Giants. You gotta love an upset by a wild card team over a previously invincible one. Plus, the Patriots and their tactics had bugged me all season.


Reading: "Will The Vampire People Please Leave The Lobby?" (2007) by Allyson Beatrice. Ostensibly about "Buffy" fandom, this book devotes far too many pages to you-had-to-be-there message board politics. The writing's solid, but there's a dearth of characterisation, apart from hazy outlines of the author and her intellectual crush.

Hound'n'pound

Saw a matinee of Tom Stoppard's "The Real Inspector Hound" (196?) at the Genesian Theatre, a refitted church in Kent St that's named after the patron saint of actors. If you don't know, "T/R/I/H" is a one-act play within a play. A pair of critics are reviewing a standard whodunit and eventually step into the story as if it was real. It all gets quite ridiculous, but behind the dialogue lies a serious questioning of the limits of genre and medium. "T/R/I/H" was preceded by "Lost Souls", a 20-minute conversation between a cemetery security guard and a shady lady. Its only purpose seemed to be to build to the twist.

Rushed home afterwards for mixed martial arts PPV "UFC #81: Breaking Point". The major drawcards were both heavyweight bouts: former WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar vs Frank Mir, and former PRIDE champ Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs Tim Sylvia. Suffice to say that, while there were knockouts, jujitsu was the winner on the night.

From rugby league to ping-pong

Went to the NRL Fan Day - celebrating the centenary of rugby league - at ANZ Stadium. Thankfully, there were trains running direct to Olympic Park. I think the online registration nonsense was only for the organisers to gauge numbers, 'cos anyone who dropped a gold coin into a bucket was allowed inside. At 2pm, 400 players and coaches from the 16 teams assembled for an historic photo. At 2.45, there was a sharpshooter competition between goal kickers from each club. They had to boot 'em from the sideline, starting at the 20m mark and moving steadily closer to halfway. My hypothetical money would've been on Hazem "El Magic" El Masri from the Bulldogs, but he decided not to take part. It didn't matter - his replacement, Daniel Holdsworth, was the most successful marksman. I wasn't interested in the rest of the activities and I couldn't be arsed waiting for the Knights autograph session, so I picked up a brochure for this year's Rugby League World Cup and vamoosed.

This evening, I finally finished watching my skull'n'crossbones copy of the ping-pong comedy "Balls Of Fury" (2007). I'd envisaged "Dodgeball" crossed with "Reno 911!", but what I got was: no laughs, no chuckles and barely a smile. I didn't find main man Dan Fogler the least bit funny. The deleted scenes, alternate ending, making-of and short mocko hid no gems. Avoid.

Multitasking

I'm not saying Twenty20 cricket is devoid of strategy, but it's simple enough to follow with the telly volume muted...while listening to an unfamiliar CD and playing solitaire Magic: The Gathering.

Before a crowd of 84,000 at the MCG, Australia skittled India for a measly 74 runs, then accumulated 75 in 11.2 overs, with nine wickets up our grey lycra sleeve.

When Wayne Hussey's not trying too hard to be poetic or - worse - controversial, The Mission's "God Is A Bullet" (2007) is an OK hippie-goth album of 15 songs.

The Elves lead the Goblins two games to one in my testing of the first M:TG "Duel Decks" pack. The decks are a mix of cards from existing sets that have synergy galore.


Trivia: The Amazon US checkout now automatically converts costs to Aussie dollars. Huzzah!